January 22, 2009:
Sometimes, I just need to laugh:
I don't care if you laugh at me because in the end, I will be the one chasing you down the street with a fake leg in hand.
When life kicks you in the nuts, I thank God that I'm a nutless woman.
Grabbing my breast is not a compliment. You wouldn't like it if I grabbed something of yours you didn't want me to, like your purse.
Greg Proops with a lampshade hat on: “If you’re lucky I’ll let you turn me on!”
She made no noise when she walked, so you couldn’t hear her coming. I felt like I was being stalked by an elf.
January 27, 2009:
K. recommended a song to me when she got back from the cottage – Round Here by Counting Crows.
Some of the lyrics:
Round here she’s always on my mind/Round here hey man got lots of time/Round here we're never sent to bed early/And nobody makes us wait/Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late/I cant see nothing, nothing round here/Catch me if I’m falling.
Now, I’m curious as to why she wanted me to download it. Does it make her think of me maybe?
This morning when I woke up, I heard, ‘Round here she’s always on my mind’ so clearly in my head, as though I’d just put my headphones on. Could have been due to the fact that I listened to the song just before bed, but I thought it very peculiar. Especially considering the part that crept into my just-waking mind. Ain’t it the truth though. She is always on my mind. Most nights I think of her as I’m lying there in bed and that makes it impossible for me to fall asleep, since my mind keeps running with thoughts of her. Eventually I exhaust myself to the point of surrendering them, but it takes an eternity most of the time.
You catch me if I’m falling, and you catch me cause I’m falling down on you.
July 4, 2009:
My eyes are burning; it’s been a very long day. I went over to Brian’s place for the holiday, met some semi-interesting people, and overall just felt strange and out of place. SURPRISE! It was better when they were all out on the porch setting off fireworks. Then Brian and I just chilled on the couch and watched some music videos. It wasn’t horrible, but then again no one really likes to be thrust in a room with a bunch of strangers. I loosened up a bit after a while though. Not that I became the life of the party or anything, I just felt less like curling into a ball and dissolving into an anxiety attack.
December 18, 2012:
It sure does seem like some people lead perfect lives, but I suppose that's all up to your definition of the word. To me a perfect life would be having a place that is actually your own that you're happy to come home to, a job that is challenging but fun, a family that you get along with and you have the means to go outside of your home to experience things. All I really want is to just run and play with some friends, like I did when I was a kid. I want to play in the woods. Not pay for overpriced shit at a mall or “hang out” at Starbucks and talk about nothing. How is that living? I want to go to an abandoned building with someone and steal mirrors, art, and doorknobs.
November 25, 2012:
I'm miffed that I can't ask for season two of Lost Girl for Christmas, because of what the cover of the DVD suggests. It would simply be too awkward to live down. I can ask for Being Erica because that's “safe.” But as for a movie like Tomboy or any others, those are also a no-go. It's really depressing that I still have to hide who I am in a sense because asking for queer movies would make me and my family uncomfortable. And then having to open it in front of everyone? No thank you. It's not that I'm ashamed of my sexuality or even that I'm ashamed of wanting queer-themed movies, but more that it alienates me from everyone.
I remember one year I asked for Girl, Interrupted. The second after I opened it, everyone seemed to pull away from me, like turtles retracting into their shells. The movie isn't queer-themed, and yet everyone still acted so goddamn strange. Maybe because they thought I was in love with Angelina Jolie. Or because it was a movie about mental patients. Perhaps both. I doubt any of them remembered the kiss between Angelina and Winona Ryder, but even if they did, that's no reason to act like I asked for a lesbian porno.
As soon as I felt that awkwardness, I never wanted to experience it again, and thus every year, I've asked for nothing except “safe” items. It blows. It would be different if I had a girlfriend, because she'd buy me a queer movie or two for sure, and we'd probably open our gifts away from our families.
Jan 25, 2013:
Some days I wake up in a fog. My mind is forever keeping track of all that I've lost in my life; and some mornings everything, every single thing comes trickling into the forefront of my mind. Then there's this added weight I lug around the entire day and night. I've always known what I've wanted. To right things. Wipe the slate clean and start again. To have that one person give me the second chance I believe I deserve. But I'm trapped. I have no way of reaching out, at least not in a manner that is favorable to either of us. Whatever choice I make, I'll be haunted by it, and so will that person.
I can't seek them out in a physical way either. I was stupid back then, but that comes with being young and unsure of oneself. We make more mistakes than anything else. I know this person understands that and can read between the lines. But it didn't work out the way I presumed when I reached out. It's either, they have no idea I spoke up or they're ignoring me on purpose. You're in my head, and you don't need to be.
Jan 8, 2015:
I think we write to understand what it is to be human, to understand each other as individuals, and because we need stories, and diverse ones above all. We need flawed characters, real, breathing characters.
Characters who are layered and complicated. I really don't believe plots need to have eighty-thousand twists, be filled with drama and action every other breath, or so convoluted that you have 800 pages of notes, while not a single word of the actual STORY draft has been written. No. We need simple, concise plotting and complicated character. We need the real humanness, even inside a weird universe. I know that those stories keep me going, and keep me happy, and I can't be alone in the sentiment.
October 15, 2017:
I think about the political divide a lot, and how I consciously close myself off from family members who don't share my views—whether or not it's a good thing to do. I think it's more or less a natural reaction because you don't want to waste yourself on people who actually believe you're garbage because you support something they don't. If you talk to them, opposing views will inevitably come up, and then that's who the person becomes to you—someone who thinks you're trash, and you think they're trash because they support (in your mind) disgusting ideas or people. So how the fuck do you talk to people then? Do you only talk to and get close to those who align with your own politics?
Some think it's inhumane to categorize everyone or ban them from your life because of what they believe, since people aren't just their politics, etc. It really seems like some people are, though. Just some. When they post meme after meme of [Insert Party Here] sucks, or they take a jab at something you can't change, like your sexuality or race, and they do this day after day, you start forming a resolute image of them in your mind. You don't think of them as a good person anymore, and least of all someone you'd like to get to know.
But then I think these views seem to be contained to Facebook or other social media, and they only feel safe to talk about them behind a screen. OR when they've had a few drinks and feel like getting into an argument for the sake of it. Is it in the hopes of 'reforming' you, or do they just feel so deeply about their beliefs that they can't keep them in anymore? We should all be free to have our own beliefs of course, but telling people how to feel about others, especially if they say things that enrage or disgust you and to just 'get over it and get along with them' is wrong.
You actually don't have to get along with everyone. You don't have to let everyone in. If certain people are bad for you, why should you let them in? The thing is, I don't believe in having people around me that will make me hate being alive or feel ashamed of who I am. I'm a woman, gay, and physically disabled. I'll never want right-wing republicans around me who post memes about how I'll eventually burn in eternal hellfire, no matter how sweet they've been to me in person.
They don't want my liberal, homosexual feminism around them either, so it's a win-win. Yeah, I could be the kind of person who befriends everyone regardless of what they believe, because maybe this type of thinking feels like I'm being too selective. But really, at the end of the day you want people who you don't have to walk on eggshells around, people who are supportive and people you can whole-heartedly support.